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Thread: Humou: Court reporting

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2008

    Humou: Court reporting

    • These are extracts from a book called “ Disorder in American Courts “.****

      They are things people actually said in Court, word for word,****

      noted down and now published by court reporters****

      that had the torment of staying calm and composed ****

      while these exchanges were actually taking place.****


      ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
      WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
      ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
      WITNESS: My name is Susan!

      ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
      WITNESS: I forget..
      ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

      ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,
      he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
      WITNESS: Did you actually pass the barrister exam?

      ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
      WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

      ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
      WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

      ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
      WITNESS: Getting laid

      ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
      WITNESS: Yes.
      ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
      WITNESS: None.
      ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
      WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.****

      Can I get a new attorney?

      ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
      WITNESS: By death..
      ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
      WITNESS: Take a guess.

      ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
      WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
      ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
      WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

      ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
      WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.

      ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
      WITNESS: Oral..

      ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
      WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
      ATTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
      WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

      ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
      WITNESS: No..
      ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
      the autopsy?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
      ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
      WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Some more jokes
    Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
    A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

    Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
    A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

    Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A: A good start!

    Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    A: His lips are moving.

    Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

    Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
    A: Professional courtesy.

    Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
    A: Not enough sand.

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