A TERRORIST'S AFTERLIFE DISAPPOINTMENT

by Karl Sharro* Published on Wednesday, 24 December 2014 08:00
Wealth, women and endless afterlife spoils. Such is the fantasy of those blowing themselves up in public spaces. Imagine their awe upon discovering that itís all a sham. Something like thisÖ









God: Come in, come in

Dead Bomber: Blessings be upon youÖ


God: Cut that out, Iím good. There have been so many of you people blowing yourselves up, I decided to interview you personally. But this is not something I normally do. Why are you doing that?


Dead Bomber: Eh, we thought thatís what you wanted.


God: You thought what? Are you insane? Why would I want you to blow yourself up? And kill other people on top of that? Itís in all religions, ĎDonít Killí. Number one. The first thing. How can you miss it?


Dead Bomber: But we thought weíre doing it for you..


God: FOR ME? I created all of this all on my own, I can do whatever I want. I can turn a volcano upside down just by clicking this button here. Donít ask me why I need this button. Why would I need your help? What twisted logic have you people come up with?


Dead Bomber: Ehm, itís the afterlifeÖ


God: Afterlife? What afterlife? There is no afterlife! You think this is a computer game? You die and you go to level two? And you didnít even finish level one, you just opted out.


Dead Bomber: But all the Books talk promise an afterlife, a paradiseÖ


God: Itís a metaphor! How did you people not get that? Itís specifically written in an allegorical manner so you get that. Look at me, discussing literature with an idiot who blew himself up.


Dead Bomber: So thereís no paradise?


God: No, you schmuck. Thatís it, you die and youíre gone. Iím making an exception because I wanted to understand what foolishness you people were getting up to. I keep my eye off Earth for a few years, and you people spring up!


Dead Bomber: And the rivers of milk and honey and all of that?


God: You think Iím in catering? What impertinence! Itís enough work looking after you when youíre alive; you want me to spend eternity giving you free food? Like I have nothing better to do. Do you know how many universes Iím running now? Idiots!


Dead Bomber: And the beautiful maidens that we were promisedÖ?


God: WHAT? Just what kind of establishment do you think Iím running here? It was all a metaphor, a story about how youíre supposed to live your life. How can you take it literally? If youíre good, you have inner peace, thatís it. Thatís paradise. If youíre evil, you live a tormented inner life. You people have come and blown the whole system away. No pun intended.


Dead Bomber: Iím sorry, we just didnít realize. You see there were those other people, the infidels who didnít believe in you correctly. The crusaders and the rejectionistsÖ


God: So you blow them up? Who do you think put them there? You utter imbeciles. You know I might introduce eternal damnation just for people like you. Iíll have to send someone to Earth to tell humans about it. I havenít done that in centuries, I canít even remember the shortcut. Get out. GET OUT! Before I turn you to salt.


Dead Bomber: What will happen to me now?


God: I might send you back as a swine, that should teach you. No, Iím pulling your leg. You will die and thatís it.


* Karl Sharro is a Lebanese blogger. This post was originally published on his blog.